What the Fruc?

Fructose Malabsorption! My latest crusade. More later. GRRRRR.

So this is why carrots and $17 salads make me feel wretched.

Everyone go have an orange juice for me, thanks!


ps: poor Brazil!

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No Sugar Tonight in My Coffee

Oh God ok where was I? Right: declaring war on bloat. Well, bloat wins this first battle. I can’t follow up with my GI doc for another 3 weeks, and since all my tests for “serious stuff” have come back negative, 3 weeks seems acceptable. But it’s not, because I still blow up like Chris Christie when I so much as drink a glass of water.

My GI track feels the the George Washington Bridge

My GI track feels the the George Washington Bridge

But wait, there’s more! In the past 10 days, I’ve started to develop blotches of eczema any time I eat sugar. This sugar could range in nature from organic apples to flan from Jaleo. This leads me back to my original hypothesis that what I’m really dealing with here is bacteria/critters, more specifically, a candida issue. So gross!

Candida is a vile fungal yeast that, when encouraged to proliferate in the gut via boxes of macarons, antibiotics,  raising twins, etc., can burrow into the intestinal wall and spill out into the bloodstream, wrecking havoc. More or less. Sure, my scientific background is about as valid as Shailene Woodley’s, but you guys all know I’m not here to preach science!

The reason I suspect I have a candida overgrowth is because often the tests for it come back clean when in fact they aren’t. And the symptoms aren’t just bloating and eczema – they include a lot of the same symptoms I’ve been dealing with forever and just blaming on my personality, such as anxiety, moodiness, non-existent libido, uncontrollable sweet tooth, insomnia, ditziness, and chronic fatigue just to name a few of the less embarrassing ones.

So I have indeed reached out to a Naturopath and will set up an appointment hopefully within the next three weeks. In the meantime, I’m off sugar completely. I may have rice now and then because I’m a wild woman, but anything that acts like sugar in my gut, meaning sweet treats, honey, agave, melon, gluten free crepes, nutella, etc., is out! And I’m drinking bone stock. It feels odd and cannibalistic to go to Whole Foods and actually request a bag of bones, but apparently it’s not uncommon and sipping stock made from the bones of healthy animals is one of the best things you can do for your immune system. Here’s more info and a good recipe!

I’m also back to oil pulling, I’ve dusted off our juicers and I’m making kale/fennel cocktails, and I’m upping the ante on my probiotics. Why take the ones with 50 billion strains when I can take the ones with 100 billion? Come on!

Herbs I’ve begun to experiment with include: Oil of Oregano, Pau d’arco, and Capryol.

The beautiful Pau d'arco tree is native to Central and South America and it may be used in antifungal, antiviral, and digestive treatments.

The beautiful Pau d’arco tree is native to Central and South America and it may be used in antifungal, antiviral, and digestive treatments.

Finally, I’m taking digestive enzymes and have begun studying the Bach Flower Remedies, but that’s a whole other post.

This is difficult! I want chocolate.

Peace out,

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Hope Bloats

It’s only Day 2 of my experiment in let’s-play-holistic-doctor-and-banish-whatever-the-hell-is-living-in-our-intestines, and here’s the deal.

I feel awful. My head is throbbing. It’s been throbbing since yesterday afternoon. It’s also really expensive to eat this way! It’s expensive enough getting a $5 latte every morning – but it’s painful swapping your delicious latte out for a $7 parsley-parsnip juice. I will get around to setting up our family of juicers at home again and doing this on my own at some point. I will, I will, I will.

In addition to green juices, I’ve been eating lots of salads. This one, for example, is beautiful and delicious. It costs more than my manicure, but I keep telling myself that it’s worth it because it is nourishing ME and not my BACTERIA.



I’ve been very religious about taking my probiotics and parasite pills. I’ve been chugging water. I went to bed last night at 9, and slept right through Tai handling the midnight and 3 a.m. pacifier re-inserts and general Twinpop soothing. I’ve been chewing thoughtfully and mindfully. I’ve even ventured into the exciting world of food combining and order, meaning I try to eat my fruits and veggies first, followed by grains, followed by protein, in an effort to avoid quick-to-digest foods putrefying behind slow-to-digest foods on the great intestinal superhighway.

I feel very good about myself, and confident that I can get my flat stomach back again with little or no medication. But dear Lord this is hard! It takes planning, and I hate planning food. I hate even thinking too much about food – but damned if I don’t keep finding myself in situations that demand I do just that. What makes it easier is if I think of it as planning food for the whole family, i.e. – I can plan some kind of vegan, gf, anti-microbial feast for dinner, but also puree the appropriate veggies for the Pops. This makes it seem less self-consumed and obnoxious. I’m also thinking that taking a little time now to get myself healthy and light again is going to pave the way towards me being able to impart healthy food habits to them. They don’t need to hear me bitching about bloat and they certainly don’t need to see me chugging coffee milkshakes every morning.

Healthy mama, healthy babies.

I need a nap,


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Filed under Food and Drink, Physical Health, Positive Thinking

I Declare War

Hello everyone! I’m disheartened to report that, in spite of a totally gluten free diet and the successful loss of all but 3 pounds of baby weight, my belly is as bloated and distended as it was back in the days of Summer 2012, when I was convinced I had a parasite and was devouring pumpkin seeds soaked in cranberry juice. I don’t know what’s going on. I became pregnant three months after my Celiac diagnosis, so I went from one major tummy issue to another with nary a respite. Then the twins were born, and I blamed all my abdominal discomfort on the C-section, hormones, and the general overall brutal toll a twin pregnancy has on the bod.

But give me a goddamn break! The twinpops are 8 months old and I still look 8 months pregnant. My arms, face, legs, etc. are fine. It’s this ridiculous belly area that I absolutely cannot figure out. My GI doctor wants me to get an ultrasound to check for gallstones and a SIBO test, which stands for Small Intestine Bacterial Overgrowth. Gross! But since I lived on Godiva ballotins and Lindt truffles and French macarons throughout the winter, and still even now can’t get through a day without some kind of mocha concoction, I wouldn’t be surprised if an insidious microbe that thrives on my sugar consumption is growing in the recesses of my intestines and making me miserable. Other symptoms of bacterial overgrowth: depression, lethargy, brain fog, weird bm issues, check, check, check, check, ugh.

My English friend, Bits, told me to seek out the best Naturopath in town and go see them. But I’m already seeing a therapist, a psychiatrist, a GI specialist, a chiropractor, etc. etc. all on the regular – I’m not sure I really want to add any more appointments to my schedule. But Naturopathy sounds right up my alley, and I do wonder why I didn’t think of it sooner? So, resolution: before I involve any more professionals in the care and keeping of me, I’m going to assume that I have parasites and amoebas and the like, multiplying by the trillions, and I’m going to try to wage war on the dastardly critters myself.

That means, tonight: A BACCHANALIA OF SWEETS! It happens to be Tai’s birthday, so we already have a cake. There are also gluten free donuts and brownies, a ganache of some sort, and lollipops. And cappuccino with extra sugar.

And, tomorrow: THROWING DOWN THE GAUNTLET. No more refined sugars. No more coffee. More kale than I can currently fathom. Probiotics. Meditation. Yoga. This:





as well as plenty of rest and water. Will I feel like a guilty mommy when I give our nanny extra hours so I can wash and chop green apples and veggies? Or when I let Tai handle the twinpops when they decide they need bottles at 3 a.m. because I must have uninterrupted sleep to be successful? Probably! But I’m tired, literally, of treating my body like a toxic landfill. I shall keep you posted on how this all shakes out.




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Back and Better/Worse Than Ever

What is this? Time to write and even beyond that…desire to write? It truly must be spring.

I can’t blame the Twinpops for my absence; I’ve spent the past two months totally getting snippets of time here and there to blog. I just haven’t wanted to. I haven’t wanted to read, either. I didn’t even remember my password to log on here this morning. The only creative pursuit I’ve engaged in – beyond the customary singing, dancing, bouncing, and pureeing interesting disease-fighting concoctions to develop tiny refined palates – is cobbling together an astonishingly awesome baby book. It’s been so much fun and so absorbing that I almost want to start a business making baby books for other people. I also want to open an upscale children’s consignment boutique for all those expensive baby clothes that are now way too small. I also want to go back to Pilates because having twins, especially via c-section, leaves abs in need of TLC. I’d also like to visit Morocco. And take illustration classes. And get a part-time gig giving ghost tours around Independence Mall. I want to nail the yogic head stand once and for all. And garden. And stargaze. And study Jungian theory.

But until today, I have not wanted to write.

I think the reason I’ve been so loathe is that now I’m a Mommy. And I have a Blog. And that puts me into the territory of “Mommy Blogger,” something that makes me Dry Heave. Not that the endless blogs out there about the trials and triumphs of parenting can’t be enjoyable reading every now and then – a lot of those broads are really good, funny writers who are turning their blogs into lucrative ventures – it’s just that I’m not convinced the world needs another person (me) waxing hilarious/moving/twee/poignant/crass/precious/unflinchingly about parenthood. Ugh. The market is oversaturated. It’s annoying. Even though twins are kind of cool and niche-y, and even though my particular twins are brilliant and beautiful and full of daily miracles, it’s still just so much of the same kids doing stuff that I haven’t been compelled to craft into mini-essays.


Yet…I haven’t had as much time for Chinese cupping and B-12 shots to stick to my original premise of writing about fun adventures in beauty and wellness (though I did just get a mystic tan, which reminds me of my first tantastic Mystic experience in April, 2009, the day I met my husband. I suggest that if you are single and ready to mingle, you do the same – the power that binds soul mates doesn’t discriminate between a real tan or a fake one).

So where does this leave me? Lost and procrastinating. So I’ve decided to simplify, to just write what I feel like writing, when I feel like doing it. I’m not going to cater to any particular audience or genre. If you enjoy it, that’s fantastic! If you don’t, c’est la vie, the road to finding one’s authentic voice in the midst of great life change is paved with casualties of readership. I may ramble and go on tangents. I may not be very articulate. I might veer into weird categories. I might just type the same word over and over for twenty minutes in the name of art.



I’m just trying to figure a lot of things out and I’d love it if you joined me.





Filed under Mental Health, Motherhood