Girl Gone Well

Among the many highlights of our trip to New Mexico was a visit with a shamanic healer, an actual medicine man, if you will, named Pedro. I was a little scared because I found out about him online, and didn’t want to end up in a plastic bag in his freezer or anything. I also didn’t really know what I wanted him to do, I just knew that I wanted a transformative experience. But that could be anything. Did I want to know about more of my past lives? Did I want to know about the twins’ past lives? Did I want to know what the future held? Did I want to see what guardian angels came through? I thought about this for some time, and discovered that the issues I needed resolving weren’t in the past or the future, but they were right now issues. Pedro picked up on this within seconds of my arriving.

But first, a little about Pedro. Born in Mexico, he comes from a long line of healers, though the gift had always been on the maternal side of his family until he and his brother discovered they had it as well. He communicates with spirits throughout the universe, among them seven archangels, and while the way he spoke of the divine had a decidedly Christian feel to me, it was in such a way that could be open to interpretation for anyone. A lot of what he said right off the bat resonated with both the psychic reading I’d had a few days earlier, as well as all the new age books I’ve devoured over the past few years. In fact, as soon as I met him I felt as if I was in the presence of someone very special and, dare I say, holy? He told me he’d be happy to do a past life reading or glean more about the future for me, but that what he saw in me that took precedence were energy blockages – things buried so far deeply in my cells that they were holding me back from becoming my true self without my even knowing it. So with that, we left Tai in the living room to read Fodor’s and went into a light-filled healing room full of fascinating objects: crystals, candles, drums, stones, feathers, drawings…

not really him

We began with a clearing ceremony and asking the higher powers to come through for us. Pedro kept referring to me as his sister, which I thought was awesome. He burned sage and waved the smoke around me with eagle feathers, all the while invoking various healing spirits with whom he has worked. It was very beautiful! Then I lay down on a table while he waved a crystal over each of my chakras. Depending on which way the crystal swung, he could tell if I had an energy blockage. I was watching too as the crystal swung back and forth, usually ending in a spinning circular motion. A few times, however, it just kept going back and forth, with no circular motion. These were the red flags.

Pedro told me that my second chakra, the sacral chakra, which deals with sexuality as well as issues of self worth, was weakened. So was my fifth, or throat chakra, which deals with voice. He said that while my heart chakra was essentially strong, he sensed that a major rejection had broken my heart and left lasting sadness. He asked me if I was ready to heal these weakened chakras even if it would be uncomfortable. Yes, indeedy!

So from there, with Pedro chanting away, I went into a state that I wouldn’t exactly describe as a trance, though I was extremely relaxed and wouldn’t have wanted to drive a car or anything. Bad memories associated with the two blocked and one weakened chakra came up to the forefront of my mind; things I never dreamed were still affecting me but that actually made so much sense once I said them out loud.

For the broken heart: Sometime in the late 70s. Yes, I did suffer a massive rejection. I always thought I was too little to remember it, let alone feel any lasting repercussions from it. But when I was less than two years old, my parents divorced and I never saw my biological father again. He didn’t try to contact me until 20 years later, at which point I had no interest in reconnecting (too little, too late, buddy!). I was adopted at age 4 by the man my mom remarried, who I adored (and still do!) and so I never lacked for a father in my life. But I’ve had therapists over the years suggest that this initial rejection was still with me, despite my refusing to believe it. Now Pedro was suggesting the same thing. It was time to take back control and say goodbye to him for good.

For the throat chakra: September, 1994. No one thinks of me as particularly quiet, but there’s a reason I’ll tell everything and anything in writing but I need to have a bottle or two of shiraz in me before I tell the same things in words. There’s a reason I never spoke in class once I got to college. There’s a reason I used to love acting and theatre and now the idea of being on a stage makes me cringe. My freshman year, a week or so into my first English class, I raised my hand and thought I was offering some profound insights into The Catcher in the Rye. I was stunned when, instead of nodding, my professor stared at me for a full minute after I stopped talking before saying, “Why don’t you repeat whatever the hell it was that you just said, only this time eliminate the word ‘like’ and see what you have left.” What I had left was a sniffly, teary, whispered, “I don’t know what I really meant” and a vow of silence for the rest of the year. And the next. And so on. I became convinced that my opinions were meaningless, my thoughts jumbled, my speech totally inarticulate. I got Fs in class participation from there on out. A crappy boyfriend who liked to tell me that I wasn’t smart enough to be an English major, that Italian was a pointless language to study, and that the theatre people were all losers and I’d never make any friends if I hung out with them really didn’t help my diminishing self esteem. I seriously hated college.

For the sexuality/self worth chakra: July 12, 2007. Many of you know what happened that night, but for those who don’t, you’re in luck because I’m cool with blogging about it! A man, ostensibly employed by the hotel where I was staying in Cape Town, South Africa, took me on a city tour that ended in him slipping me the date rape drug. I don’t need to know or ever remember the exact details of what happened during my blackout to know that it was horrible. I knew plenty from the state I was in when I woke up, from what happened throughout the course of the following day, and from a subsequent background check I had run on the guy (the idiot gave me his real name!). I thought that I had healed this particular memory with acupuncture, hypnosis, and about 18 different blood tests that assured me that despite being in the STD capital of the world, I had emerged from the ordeal in perfect health. But I’ve still been know to cry about it on occasion. I’ve still also been known to fantasize about ripping his head off, literally grabbing him by the ears and just yanking it right off. Sadness and anger are such a painful combination.

So to heal these episodes, Pedro started tapping on different parts of my face and chest. While he tapped, I spoke. I had to address each of these culprits from my past, OUT LOUD, tell them why I was hurt by their actions, and tell them why I forgave them. It went a little something like this: Biological father, I forgive you because you were young and didn’t understand the responsibility of having a child. I know now that you didn’t reject me personally, you rejected fatherhood. And I’m grateful that you opened the door for me to have a wonderful life raised by someone else. Professor, I forgive you because you didn’t know how sensitive I was. You were trying to look assertive and in control in front of your class and you didn’t really think I was a stupid idiot even if you made me feel that way. Dirtbag Tour Guide, I forgive you because I know you grew up in a broken country where violence is your answer to everything. I know you didn’t mean to humiliate me personally, and I could’ve been anyone to you. I pray that you don’t touch another woman ever again.

Then I banished each from my mind and memory.

It was really hard to do! I was crying, but it was cleansing. Afterwards, Pedro finished with more chants and asked me if I knew the sex of the twins. I said not yet, and he said he thought I would have one of each. He had a vision of them as two little Eskimos huddled together, and he affirmed what the psychics said about them coming to earth together and choosing Tai and I specifically to be their parents. Eskimos! So that’s why I was so utterly freezing cold the first few months! Pedro told me that what I was doing was healing not just for me, but for them. I was creating a calm and spiritually healthy world for them by being calm and spiritually healthy in myself.

When I left, I honestly felt light as a feather. The experience made me feel truly transformed and in touch with the divine. Now whenever one of these jerks, or any negative feeling, really, crosses my mind, I can just say – oh! I banished you, remember? And can remember Pedro and all his healing wisdom.

jlbs